Make sure not to disturb or harm in any way the fates that live beneath your mattress. Failure to heed this warning will result in the immediate revocation of your free will.

Branch offices shall conduct monthly memory wipes of any sensitive data, including support of pro-spider militias, leagues of any potato passion, or cults dedicated to the forbidden number 36.

Before going to bed each night, remember to take your Anti Temporal Distortion pill provided to you each night by the strange tube that appeared in your wall a few weeks ago. Side effects include waking up to find humanity has fallen and the world is now ruled by the dark ones.

Cats must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property (This law is to prevent any future feline uprisings from occurring, as we all remember, and should never forget, the many years of hardships during the Kitty Revolution).

If confronted by a distortion in the space time continuum, such as finding yourself a wisp of consciousness in a society ruled by sentient toasters, refrain from panicking. This is simply a side effect of road renovation, and -may- be over soon.

Finding objects without a specific search permit provided by the Bureau of Lost Objects. Any non-permitted attempts to search for or otherwise obtain an object considered to be “lost” shall be met with the swift and unfailing revocation of your possessions license.

The number 36 is strictly off limits, only to be used in case of emergencies.

Poking or otherwise prodding the mysterious black masses appearing over any Starbucks outlet is strictly prohibited, and may result in complete assimilation with its hypnotic, ever swirling void.

Chanting is prohibited from 12 to 6 A.M. This is to encourage a healthy sleep pattern by limiting what times one may return home and greet the household gods. Who -as we all know- will open a small rift to the spider realm in one or more small corners of your home when they are not appeased.

If your shoes turn into malevolent space creatures, please make small talk with the organism in its strange alien tongue whilst slowly creeping to the nearest phone to alert the authorities.